Peter Vidani

Well once I started noticing that they were coming from the garbage, I wanted to get it out right away. So I take it and run, and in that 5 seconds I did everything wrong. You see, I live in an apartment, so taking out my garbage means I’ll need my keys to get back in. But nah, I’m in a rush, so I don’t remember my keys, my phone, my wallet; not even my toothbrush. I realized this when I came back to the front door and couldn’t get in.

So first I do is ring the doorbell for a couple minutes, but lol, the doorbell doesn’t even work. That was really funny at the time, trust me. So then I go around to my side of the house to look for any windows that I didn’t lock. Nope, they’re all locked. And it’s a good thing too, because everyone knows how dangerous Small Town, Wisconsin can get this time of year.

Now I’m beginning to panic a little, because even if I walked to my campus and used some free phone at some stupid student center, who was I going to call? My landlord? I don’t have his number memorized. I guess we aren’t that close yet. Someone huge to break the window locks? Honestly, the only person I could think of at the time was my mom, just to call and complain.

I’m about 10 minutes into this situation, and I know that none of the other tenants are home, or they would have responded to me when I was shouting about four different girls’ names I could think of. I don’t know them that well, but I know they’re girls. Sarah? Ashley? Umm, Katie? Who the hell else lives here? No response from anyone.

Now I’m kicking the door handles in hopes of getting in without my neighbors calling the cops. It seemed logical at the time. My panic turned to whatever the opposite of claustrophobia is: I desperately needed to get inside. Agoraphobia?

Finally I speed walk to the back door (that connects to my bedroom) to try my Steven Seagal foot action on this handle. I give it a couple kicks on the inside of it and of course nothing happens. This sucks. I’m tired. I sit down on the door step and lean back. I lean back into my bedroom. My bedroom! I’m inside! What the fuck!

Ok, this is how I found out that my back door doesn’t even shut. And that’s scary. But you see, I couldn’t have gotten into my house without sitting down to relax. And you see, I couldn’t foresee myself getting robbed at gunpoint in the middle of the night without locking myself out. Today I learned a lot about myself, fruit flies, and doors. They’re all dumb.