First of all, accept my complete graditude for letting me pee on you. Remember that one time I backed up all the way to the handicap stall and my buddy Ryan rode under my golden path on his skateboard? Twice? Good times have been had, and for that I thank you.

Something else must be said, though. It’s about your flushing mechanism. You still never upgraded to a hand-free sensor. You’re old school, and I can usually respect that. You’re doing your thing and that’s cool. But I have to tell you, if I can’t flush you with a sidekick or jumping-front-hop-kick, you’re going to need to find another way to swallow my urine. Consider this a boycott. I’m never touching another urinal again, mattering not how shiny it is.

Also I love your cake. Also I’m sorry you’ll never experience a woman.