Is when my coffee hits just the right temperature, usually at it’s 3/4 Full state, and I can simply gulp the rest of it down without worry. I’m like a well-trained dog that knows not to eat the treat right in front of my nose until my owner gives the OK. As soon as the core of my mug reaches optimum temperature, it’s a race to bottom with only the caffeine itself holding me back. “Slow down!” I tell myelf, “You’re shaking like a madman!”
"Nay!" I respond, and I throw the mug at through a tall glass window and it strikes a baby’s head on the way through, on the soft spot where I was told numerous times by my mother "is where the horn will eventually come through." Usually by this point my shirt is off and I’m screaming and my fingertips are throbbing like the heart of a doped hamster and my eyes aren’t crossed in the traditional sense, but instead pointing outward like a $10 boob job the parking lot of an abandoned Big Lots. Like a once-famous childhood nightmare I can’t hear my own scream, but I know it’s there because everyone around me is covering their ears except for Josh because he listens to death metal and I think he digs it because he’s sort of dancing with his head. No one calls the cops because they know I have beef and no one tries to touch me because they know I’m much too hot and fear they may lose a fingerprint on the impact. Someone throws a fax machine at me and with the gravitational force my intensity has created, it sticks to the side of my torso like it saw Earth’s own gravity and said "Fuck it."
This is the quintesential situation I need in the workplace to make a decent pitch before lunch and everyone is staring at me. Sound slowly starts to make it’s way to my ears, my shirt is at the other side of the room but I can get it later. The fax machine falls off and something inside of it is rattling to pull near me, but that too eventually falls and now there’s just quiet. I sit down at my desk, as do others around me. I wave and nod apologetically to the baby and gather my thoughts. Are Tuesday mornings weird for anyone else?